THE DAILY MALE - continues...

I concede to the situation, thinking only fleetingly that I really shouldn’t let Messrs. Smirnoff & Absolut make so many important decisions for me but I soon dismiss the thoughts, decelerate him to my preferred pace and we striptease each other down to naked.

Having now picked up on the fact that I like ma lovin’ slo-o-ow, he creeps his kisses down my body until he reaches my nerve centre and again, I am blown away at the sexual competence of today’s youth. He is delighted by my Hollywood, and explores it with his tongue.

‘I can’t wait to fuck you…’ he murmurs romantically against my thighs.

I allow him to feast on me until I get too close, then I swing away, get up, take his hand, blow the candles out and nudge him down the corridor to my bedroom.

He rips the covers off the bed, pushes me backwards then twirls me around until we are nose to toes.

We lingua awhile until we reach the point of no return and he swings himself up on top of me. As he’s about to enter, the word CONDOM appears in flashing neon lights above my head. I address the issue.

‘I didn’t bring any!’ he moans. ‘It seemed rude…’

‘Ruder not to!’ I reprimand and grapple around in my bedside table for my emergency packet of three, and over the next couple of hours we use them all up.

I make a mental note to add them to the next Sainsbury’s shopping list alongside the Sanatogen and tinned pilchards.

Not long after I fall off him for the final time, we are in my car on our way back to Paddington Station. He could have stayed, but he has an early start and I need a good night’s sleep.

‘Shall we keep in touch?’ he asks hesitantly.

‘Sure’ I answer. ‘Why not?’ but I feel very little as we say goodbye.

He gets out the car and without a backward glance, I floor the pedal and zoom down Praed Street right near to where CC lives. The fact that I haven’t heard from him since dinosaurs walked the earth grates on my sensibilities. My heart makes a fist and I grit my teeth and turn the radio up.

See what you’ve led me to, I curse in his general direction.

It occurs to me that I’m currently available for the price of two drinks. God, that’s cheap...but I shan’t dwell.

It was an evening’s entertainment: an Everest situation. Dan was there so I climbed him.

Mountaineers need to practice on hills before attempting cliff faces, don’t they?